A boundary is an imaginary line, the point at which we end, and another begins. Imagine a snow globe; there is a clear difference between what is within and what is outside. Everything within the glass is mine, everything beyond it is not.
I AM responsible for everything within this boundary.
- My thoughts
- My feelings
- My body
- My part in relationships
- My needs
- How I communicate.
Fortunately, I can also exert some control over what belongs to me. If my thoughts are not serving me, from self limiting to self loathing, I can change them. They are my thoughts, not facts. I can tend to my feelings and needs. I can ensure my relationships are appropriate and respectful. I can improve my communication skills.
I am NOT responsible for what is outside my boundary/snow globe.
- Other people’s feelings
- Reactions
- Thoughts
I have as much control over them as I have over the weather. Therefore, the time I spend overthinking what my peers might think of me and that thing I said six months ago is time wasted. I have no business being in their imagined thoughts or feelings. They are more likely to be thinking about themselves. Our longest, most important relationship is with ourselves. It is much more productive to examine what I think about myself and work to improve that.
Other people CANNOT MAKE us feel anything without our permission. They can bring something, an opinion or action, to our boundary and we have a choice whether to let it in or not. It is an option to leave a negative opinion at the boundary, to not pick it up. An exception to this is abusive behaviour where our boundary is ignored; for example, being slapped in the face. This action completely overrides our right to a boundary and requires corrective action, over which I have a choice. To assume others MUST respect our boundary is mistaken. It is ours to maintain and therefore our responsibility to act accordingly if we are disrespected.
Others cannot see our invisible boundary, so it is our responsibility to clearly, respectfully communicate it to others. These are the rules of engagement in relationships. Examples of this might be, “I’m not OK with you shouting at me so I’m going to leave” or “I don’t want to go there and I’m not taking responsibility for your reaction to that”. Statements that begin with “I” help us own what is ours; “I feel I’m not being listened to so I’m ending this conversation” as opposed to “you are not listening to me”. It’s rarely a good idea to tell others what their feelings or motivations are. We are the world experts on how we feel and can assert this without getting into conflict. Finally, boundaries can be changed. They are ours to strengthen, soften or adjust. We can have a hard, protective boundary with someone we don’t trust and dissolve our boundary when we feel safe with someone we love.
Some useful information on boundaries below.
https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf
https://www.wondermind.com/article/setting-boundaries/https://www.youthcoachinginstitute.com/the-ultimate-guide-to-boundaries-for-teens-what-they-are-why-they-matter-how-to-set-them-with-adult-help/